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By Jacob Tashoff

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Apollo is punk rock. 

And he’s pretty good at it, too. 

The whole 

tight pants, 


nose ring, 

long hair 

just kind of works for him, 

and it certainly works 

for his fans, too. 

He likes to talk 

about how many times 

“a chick came up to [him] 

and said 'sign my tits!'” 

but he’s definitely 

exaggerating, but no one 

cares because he 

winked at the camera, 

and, “oh my God, 

it’s like he was looking 

right at me,” 

“no Jessica, it was 

totally me, obviously 

he likes brunettes  

more, just look at his band,” 

and it’s true, he’s the 

only male member of 

The New Day, and 

the drummer and 

the keyboardist and 

the bassist are all 

brunettes, but the 

lead guitarist 

is a blonde, and that’s like 

the second most important 

role in the band, right? 

But people don't really 

ever see past that, and sure, 

they're good musicians, 

but come on, just 

look at Apollo, he’s  

so hot, obviously he writes 

all of their music, 

how could he not? 

And sure, he did write a  

song or two, something 

with a metaphor about 

archery and love, and yeah, 

the album got pretty 

decent reviews, but it 

didn’t win anything, and 

Apollo certainly hasn’t been 

nominated for any awards 

outside Sexiest Rockstar, 

and he’s barely even that— 

the rest of the band 

are the real Muses, the 

true inspiration behind 

the music, and they 

write everything, but no one 

cares to check the  

writing credits on and see Euterpe's 

name there, 'cause, “God, 

he’s so punk rock, did you 

see what he did 

to that hotel room 

last week?” 

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