By Kelly Krotzer
Dear Lucky Recipient,
Congratulations! You have been randomly selected out of 5,000 applicants to receive free tips on how to lose weight fast. LoseFood© prides itself on being one of the best and most honest places to go to achieve your lifelong goal of looking slim and fit. With no dangerous chemicals and no false advertising, all of our tips are real and have helped real people! As famous actress Jenny Anisten has said, “LoseFood© helped me look the way I wanted in such a short amount of time with their easy-to-follow tips. I’ll never look at another weight loss program again!”
Are you ready to see the free tips that have changed millions of real people’s lives already? Let’s jump right into them!
Understand how much weight you want to lose and how that affects what you weigh now. Does your doctor recommend you should lose X number of pounds? Do you need to fit into that special dress? These should be the questions you ask yourself that lead you to making your goal weight.
Start using LoseFood©’s special timetable to keep track of all food consumed at any given point in your weight loss journey. And yes, that includes the 3 o’clock snack break at your cubicle every day!
Begin to limit the amount you are eating. Stop eating that 3 o’clock snack and only eat at mealtimes! And at mealtimes, make sure your plate doesn’t exceed serving sizes. You can still eat a chocolate bar after dinner – we won’t deny cravings! – but you’ll need to make sure it’s one serving size only!
Next, begin to only eat meat. Meat gives our bodies essential proteins that help us move throughout our day. Eat red meat, white meat, fish, and anything that once had a face. Bacon, ground beef, pork loin, lamb chop, sizzling, juicy hot dogs grilled to perfection, soft venison steak that’s still pink inside with bloody liquid seeping out of the middle so slowly after you cut it with your shiny, large butcher knife, light from the kitchen chandelier glinting off the juices stuck to the silver blade.
Watch your wife and child gorge themselves on the food you’re not allowed to eat. See the way your child stuffs her face with warm mashed potatoes, steam rolling off each spoonful and gravy spilling down the creases of her smiling mouth, eyes scrunching in delight at the pleasure of tasting such rich flavors. She reaches for the peas next and each little green seed that hits her lips is gnashed into even smaller bits, some popping from the pressure of her molars grinding against one another. The oven dings and your wife opens the door, fuming the room and layering your tongue with the scent of baked apples and spices like nutmeg and cinnamon. She apologizes for baking the pie while you are on your restrictive diet, but she couldn’t help herself and the apples were on sale at the grocery store, and you understand, right? She serves herself and your daughter a whopping slice of hot apple pie, the crust golden brown from baking at such a high temperature and the insides hot enough to melt out of its casing, oozing onto their ceramic plates, marring the pristine dish. You watch them in envy, eyes tracking every lift of sweet goodness to their plump mouths, but still you chew on your jerky and stick to your diet.
Your stomach grumbles and you wake up that night hungrier than the night before, and the night before that. You’re always hungry now. Your wife shifts next to you, probably because you bumped her when you awoke, and you bring your hand up to wipe away the drool collecting on her cheek. As you lean over her, you realize your wife has forgotten to brush her teeth, a semi-usual habit of hers when she gets distracted before bed. The lingering scent of apples and gravy and sweet peas washes over your face and your craving is greater than ever. Her arm abruptly smacks your chest due to your close proximity as she goes to shift again, and you hold it tightly, squeezing the soft flesh above her wrist. You’re always hungry now, so you decide to eat.
You eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat EAAT EAT AET EAT EAT EATTTTT EaT T eAT EAT EAT EAT eAT eAT EAT eAt EaT TTEEAAA EEEAT eat eat eat eat eta t eat eat eat eat EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAt Eat eAT eAT Atte eAt EAT ETA EAT EATE TEAT ETA EAT EAT
The epidermis peels away like your favorite jerky, and you eat it the same way, gnawing on it with your incisors and ripping it apart piece by piece. It’s chewy and settles in your stomach heavily but you need more. Next is the fatty tissue around the thighs, raw is best. Your teeth are sharp enough from only eating meat that they tear through the tissue like butter, and you swallow great chunks whole as soon as the taste reaches your tongue. The cloying flavor of her stimulates your taste buds and the juices now run down your neck in rivers. You swallow more and more; you can’t stop now even if you wanted to. You feel bloated and you look down to see that your stomach is distending slightly, as you eat more and more and more and more. A whisper of movement appears behind your bedroom door and you realize the sound of your feast, the tearing and smacking, the crunching and grinding, has woken up your daughter. You know you should feel anything other than the craving, but you don’t, you don’t want anything but more. You call her in and watch the way her juicy, watery eyes widen at your visage. She won’t be as meaty for sure, but she’ll satisfy your craving nonetheless. She’s frozen to her spot and you use her immobility to block her possible escape, why would she need to escape her parent? and gag and tie her to the bed. The tearing and the shredding occurs once more, and as you eat your skin tightens like it can’t contain the rest of your body anymore. You just need more, more, more, more, more, more, more, until if you looked in the mirror you wouldn’t look like yourself anymore. You are not yourself anymore, you are just a craving, a need to consume and fill and EAT.
I……hope you enjoyed the freeeeeeeeeeeeee
tips from LoseYourTasteForFoodAndConsume©!!1!!@ Make sure to
to to to let others know of your experiences and pass along a goooooood word. 😊
Candise A. Bell
Assistant Director of LoseFood© Public Relations
Professional Weight Loss Consultant
Connoisseur of Food
Light Up the Town
Houses On the Bridge
Hall of Masks
The Bone Thrower
Tossing bones on a worn black cloth, I tell you your story
you are amazed. I collect your money, we wave goodbye, transaction complete.
We go our separate ways, and then we start again.
You come back, every day, sometimes multiple times a day
and ask for another reading
another story, a different one from the last.
But they’re all the same
all about you, and your life, and your mistakes.
You say, every time, “What’s up with this? This isn’t what I asked for!”
But every day, you come back to me
crawling on your hands and knees
beg for forgiveness, beg for a different story “Please.”
On and on, I do as you say,
I throw the bones and repeat and repeat and repeat.
You don’t realize.
You never do.
You don’t notice.
You never do
with your eyes fixated on the future, some beyond the horizon view over my shoulder,
you never look down, you never see.
These bones I’ve been throwing are yours.
Each limb and ligament of your skeleton,
each piece tells the same story, the story of you.
And while you frantically stare, unblinking red eyes into the burning sunset
I cast your bones over and over upon my worn black cloth
watch them take the shape of you, again and again
until you remember who you were.
ὑστέρα means uterus
womb; secondary sex organ; cunt; pussy; parts of the whole, “pretty in pink” folds:
clitoris, ovaries, labia, cervix, fallopian tubes
what does it mean to be a carrier of this organ, this cog in the human machine?
ὑστερικός is suffering in the uterus
agony; bleeding; a tearing off of the inside lining; hormones gone astray, along with
emotions too; swelling; aching; crying; screaming; pain; pain; pain
to have a uterus is to suffer, fact; even if the organ isn’t trying to rip itself out of
your body, slowly killing you from the inside, your daily life at least revolves
around your uterus: what you wear, how to act, what you are allowed to do with
it; answer? nothing; the uterus may be in your body but it is not yours
hystericus adds a Latin suffix to an Ancient Greek word
scent therapy; pelvic massage/stimulation of the genitalia by a midwife or doctor; internal
stimulus via vibrators by a midwife or doctor; marriage; childbearing; hydro-therapy
Hippocrates thought that the womb was floating around aimlessly in a women’s body, blocking passages and creating chaos in the body; the only fix was attracting the uterus back to its original spot in the body using nice scents; how lovely; and how did treatment of this “so-called” illness go from that to sexual therapy and the torture of human beings?
hysteria is a medical diagnosis for a disease which did not exist, except for in the minds of men
anxiety; shortness of breath; fainting; nervousness; sexual desire; insomnia; fluid
retention, specifically of the menstruation variety; heaviness in abdomen; irritability; loss
of appetite for food; loss of appetite for sex; sexually forward behavior; sexual thoughts;
numbness; blindness; paralysis; fits
the female lies silent in her agony over the world; her every move, her every
breath, her very existence is weakness on humankind; she can only do so much to
overcome the natural body she is given, and those who share her pain of an
existence through femininity and body parts will be her greatest allies in her war
against the world.