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By Sarah Ledet


Congratulations on the purchase of your very own relationship! Have you been feeling lost in life (even more than usual)? Does the idea of a “partner” confuse you more than the notion that the government could track you through a vaccine? We have the perfect solution for you! In five easy steps, you can construct a one-of-a-kind bond with a person of your own choosing. It’s romance made easy!  

WARNING: Construction of this product may include extreme pain, mortal suffering, and irreparable emotional damage. Build at your own risk.  

Proceed with caution. Warranty not available. 


In all Models: 

  • Confusion at why this is all necessary  

  • Thinking it might be easier to be lonely forever  

  • Regret for bringing up that one thing you swore you were over last argument  

  • Anger, both towards them and yourself  

  • Embarrassment because you refuse to admit that you were wrong too  

  • Commitment Issues  

  • The question “why are we all here, what the hell is it all for?”  

  • Snot filled tissues crumpled on your bedsheets  

  • The notion that you have invented touch 

In Select Models: 

  • Communication 

  • Laughter at the pizza pun you made during last night’s dinner 

  • Friendship greater than any you have experienced before  

  • Reassurance you will not be left crying on the floor alone  

  • Being understood so well your pre-coffee anger is not seen as hostile  

  • Partner remembering the date of your anniversary  

  • Love 


STEP ONE: Human Interaction 

  • Meet another human. Tell the person ahead of you in line that you like their jacket. Ask the kid sitting next to you in class if they want to go hiking next weekend. Expand interactions from here. If meeting person is successful, continue to STEP TWO. If not, try again. You may feel alone, but we promise more humans exist. Go and find them. But remember, be nice. Some  scare easily. 

  • STEP ONE-A (optional): Ignore the rest of this document and fuck 

  • If you have not purchased the deluxe package or have no interest in forming a meaningful bond with someone, STOP HERE. Successfully completing human interaction means you can now (with verbal consent) have sexual intercourse. Please use a condom, dental dam, or other form of safe sex practice (not included in package). Please enjoy the pleasure this brings you, amidst the mussed sheets or against the brick wall. Then continue with your life. If you decide to upgrade to the deluxe package and attempt a meaningful connection, please continue to STEP TWO. 

STEP TWO: Observation 

  • Spend time with the person with which you successfully interacted. Learn them. Watch how they stare at the sky, how they coil a lock of hair around the tip of their finger when they are nervous, holding it until the flesh floods with dark blue. Smile at the tick of their eyebrow when you say something funny and they refuse to provide you with the satisfaction of a laugh. Revel in the ability to learn another human as well as you have (or have not) learned yourself. Decide if you enjoy the companionship of your newfound friend. If yes, continue to STEP THREE. If not, avoid further interactions by means of abandoning all forms of communication with said human. Return to STEP ONE. Better luck next time. 

STEP THREE: Engage in Emotional Connection 

  • It is important to share the things you don’t like to say out loud with this new person. Experts agree discussing your “feelings” provides an increased chance of a successful relationship. Tell your person you hate their favorite candy. Explain the time in third grade when the fire alarm sparked enough fear that you peed yourself in front of the entire class. Consider all the things you lie awake at night hoping people will never learn about you, then tell them to this person. If they reciprocate the instructions detailed, continue to STEP FOUR. If they stand suddenly and say they have received a text and must fly to France immediately to care for their sick aunt, even though both their phone and their aunt are dead, return to STEP ONE. This is assuming you have the emotional stability to try again. We did warn you about the damage. 

STEP FOUR: Attempt Physical Affection 

  • This step allows you to show your new human that you care for them in ways unable to be expressed by telling them the color of their eyes reminds you of late-night spring skies, or that you wish you could convince them not to hate themself so much.  

  • Possible displays of affection include: 

  • interlocking your fingers with theirs  

  • placing your arms around their body and holding it close to your own 

  • softly pressing your lips to their forehead 

  • laying side by side and watching pictures move on screens 

  • brushing the inside of their teeth with your tongue 

  • sex 

  • Remember: be cautious, receive consent, respect boundaries. Wait until the moon glows softly above you and their eyes hold more promise than a drive under the pale glow of June constellations. Start off slow. Read the room. Proceed from here. 

STEP FIVE: Consider Abandoning Hope 

  • Congratulations on completing the first four steps in building your new relationship. Now it may be time to jump ship. You may wish to save yourself the looming pain of losing this human. After all, you allowed them to view your unshaved legs and the parts you shove down deep inside. We wish we could tell you it will all work out, but we can’t. This product does not come with a warranty. It isn’t personal. But, if you managed to find a special connection, you may want to sail a bit further into the nebulous existence of humanity by their side. If this is the case for you, please consider rating this product five stars. If not, buy a large tub of ice cream and two boxes of hair dye. Return to STEP ONE. 


  • Stumble-Upon-A-Hookup 

  • Design-A-Friendship 

  • available with or without benefits 

  • Discover-A-PlatonicLifePartner 

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